Why do i push people away?

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in Relationship Advice by
I get to know a person really well and for a while, we'll talk and become good friends. After a while of this, I start to ignore them or don't return their calls. Sometimes it's because I feel afraid or don't feel that they really like me or something. This happens all the time, and I continue to do it even though I don't mean to. I don't realize I've done this until it is too late.
Update:

Dav: I don't really think I have low self esteem. I mean, I have my good days and I have my bad days, but I don't think I have low self esteem. If aything, I think too highly of myself at times.
Update 2:

Cami B: I haven't read any clique type books or anything like that, but above all, I don't like to be in charge. At all. It's the other way around. I find it hard to say no to people or be mean to them in any way, unless they deserve it.

9 Answers

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I'm honestly having a difficult time with your question, & your details. I "see" some contraditions. You say, "...I start to ignore them & don't return their calls." Then you say, "..I find it hard to say no...or be mean to them in any way." Ask yourself, is it "mean" to ignore & not to return calls? A rhetorical question. You "...feel afraid or don't feel that they really like me..." & then, "...I don't think I have low self esteem, if anything, I think TOO HIGHLY OF MYSELF."  (My caps & for a reason. Do you know what that reason is?)  I'm really going to stick my neck out here, (which I usually don't), but I have a feeling that you get some kind of satisfaction out of (saying, or actually...) pushing people away. So, let's get past the low self esteem or other "disorders" & if this is true, why might that be? What do YOU get out of pushing people away? (Just ask yourself.) If you've seen me around, you know that I think & feel as I type. Some little bell is ringing that connects: "..think too highly of myself" & pushing people away. Great start! (I amaze myself!) But we can't do this in cyberspace. If you feel this is impacting your life negatively, (to whatever degree), then I'd certainly suggest counsel. Yet, I don't think it is. & you DO realizie it, before it's too late! or you wouldn't be so comprehensively explaining it here. I have to say that in all honesty, I "sense" an equal amount of "pride" & "soliciitation" in your question. I'm not being harsh; I think you need to explore this in YOURSELF & have confidence that you can do so.
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Only you know exactly why, but from what you have provided

it appears that you have a commitment issue you are

trying to resolve. You get to know a person, but then you

ignore them to observe their response. After all, if the

person is truly a good friend they wouldn't mind you

placing some space in between the relationship.

You state "I don't realize I've done this until it is too late".

The statement is referring to the situation where the good

friend actually does grant you the space that you asked

for. The person grants you the space proving that they

are a true friend, but then you might regret that now there

is space in between the two of you because at that point

in time you know they are a true friend whereas prior

to the allowing of space you question their truth.

The problem is that there is no time interval between

your test of truth(will my friend allow me to have space

if I choose to place space between us) and the ramifications

of that test(my friend has proven that they will give me space,

but now that I have the proof I don't want the space in between

us). Perhaps you could avoid this situation by communicating

to your friends that you do not seek a commitment and

that you and your friends should have the option to suggest

time apart at each's leisure.

Basil stated, "...you're just creating an expectation and

conforming to it...". I agree with the statement, but not

the context which he applied to it. I don't think that pretending

friendship is healthy. I think that commitment is the main

issue. If neither my answer or Basil's is selected then I think

the selected answer would have to explain the quoted

statement.
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Why you do that, I cannot tell you, you should know.

But the important thing is that you are aware of this, so maybe you want to change it.

The first step is to realize, find out what the real problem is and then solve it, it's in your hands.

You might be insecure, you might become bored, you might have so many other things to think about that you easily forget new friends.

If you want to change this attitude, do it. Start by making yourself more secure, you can even ask the person if he or she really likes to hang out with you. And if he or she really has something that doesn't like from you ask what is it, and try to change.

But all of us have bad things, and people who really become a friend, and care about you, do it despite there are things to dislike, so don't be so worried about it.
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if anything, it's because you think highly of yourself...maybe you've read too many clique books, and so you like to make sure that you're in charge. Then it backfires when you think that you are doing the same thing as normal so you try to let them go even though that would be worse. Next time that happens ask the person what they think about you, i learned that the hard way..
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I think what you're saying is that you're too sensitive - maybe you've been rejected in the past a lot so you may feel (subconsciously) almost like you need to reject people to boost your self-worth. Obviously, you don't do it because you think you're better than them because you wouldn't be asking then.. I know it's hard but you have to try and not push people away prematurely. Even if you think they show signs that they really don't like you, you must pretend that they do really like you - otherwise, you're just creating an expectation and conforming to it - if you expect this person doesn't like you, then you'll read it into their behavior and you might even (subconsciously) behave annoyingly to make it come true! Just try not to take everything personally! Good Luck!
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Chan - Sadly, your behavior is very common.  We all have hurts and interacting with other people can trigger those hurts.  After a while, when your hurts are triggered (one hurt could be you don't feel they really like you), you can no longer stand to be around people.  

Please read Bill Ferguson's book, "Heal the Hurt that Sabotages Your Life."  Once you heal your hurts, you will stop pushing people away.  

Another good book regarding this issue is Debbie Ford's "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers."
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i think something might have happened to u in your past for which u feel nervous till now. if I am right u have to get help from someone whom u like the most. share ur feelings with them, they might have a helping hand for u as they know u the most than v do. it's not so, well, it's up to u as u have analyzed yourself this much and know that u r pushing people away, now u can know urself more and try to know what's making u behave like this. then u can try to avoid that feeling.be happy, b positive in your thinking, try to play games and make more friends, change urself, some exercise like yoga or meditation always helps u to reveal ur energy and yourself. be confident, don't underestimate urself. while ur trying to talk with ur friend know him very deeply, when u think he/she's a good friend for u, then continue ur friendship. this is all up to you. everyone has the capability to do anything they want and I'm sure you can do this.
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Hai !!! I understood why u feel so bad or why u ignore them because u fear that they may not like you that much as u like them. So what I say is keep getting good friends and definitely again this happens and u ask urself that y u r doing so...Think about urself enjoying with ur friend and how u liked him/her...U start analyzing and start thinking that ok if he doesn't like me as I liked him what is there in that he is ur friend and u keep liking him...Even if he ignores u, u just think about how u spent time with him and see within a few you will definitely get out of fear and seriously u will find very many good friends because according to ur words we can say that u r very sensitive.......Just try and see what happens...
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actually, I agree with Dav. You have low self-esteem. Sometimes you don't even KNOW you have it till this type of thing happens. Maybe you should go see a professional (psychologist) and see what is up. That is your best bet.
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