How to get over wife's past?

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I know there have been many discussions on this issue, but it is a serious issue for me & my marriage, I did not come here to be judged or spark a debate.I am simply seeking someone's honest advice. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, and before I tell this story-know that I DO love her. My wife had a disgusting and meaningless sexual past. Before you begin to judge me for my feelings let me say that I was raised by very loving yet strict parents.

The values that were instilled upon me by my parents were always very important to me,& have done a great deal to form me into the person that I am. I was raised to believe that sex and love were a gift & go hand in hand. In my mind, sexual encounters are for 2 people who truly love each other. I cannot even begin to describe the meaning that it holds for me. It means EVERYTHING. OK, now, before me, my wife had a slew of sexual encounters with anyone that would pay her more than a second of attention. She did whatever they wanted.

She lost her virginity to a man whom she cannot even remember their name.She was 16, he was 30. She did it "just to know what it would feel like".She actually had sex with a few people simply so they would stop asking her.She said she would just lay down, and shut her mind off.She was never in any meaningful relationship.It was all just people who would come over, she gave them what they wanted and then they went home.In some cases, they went home to their wives or girlfriends!!!She even had a child to one of them!She was having sex with a married man, just because he wanted to.She found out that he was married, went over to break it off with him, & had sex with him one more time for no reason at all, and got pregnant.That is so horribly hard for me to accept.When I first met her, I obviously knew she had a child, but she LIED to me, and told me she was engaged to the person,and he coward away and left her all alone.

To me, a child is supposed to be born of love,not disgusting filth!! I actually went back & signed the childs birth certificate and claimed to be the father just so he would never find out.I have always loved & treated him the same, as if he was truly my own.To me, he IS mine.She also lied and told me she had only had 3 relationships, and the same thing happened each time.She said with all 3 she was engaged, & they got scared and left her alone. It just wasn't true. She was never engaged to ANYONE other than me.The number is way higher, and for some of which she cannot even recall their names.

Although I also had 2 relationships prior to her, they were each with someone whom I loved deeply, & in both cases I never had sex with the people until after I had been with them for a long time, & sex only came after I had asked the people to marry me.Both of those relationships were with women who cheated on me, & also lied about their values.After being deeply hurt by both of those women, I had decided that I didn't want to involve myself ever again with a woman who regarded sex in such a manner.When I met my wife, she knew full well how I felt about such things.She loved me, so she decided to LIE to me about her past.It wasn't until later, after I had fallen so deeply in love with her,

gotten married & had a child of her own that I found out about her past.It hurt so bad, I actually collapsed when I found out.She still lied several more times before I finally got all of the truth out of her.To me, my wife is the single most important person in the world. I regarded her so highly I can't even find words to describe.She knew who I was, and the values that I hold & decided to lie to me. Not only did that smash the immense trust I had for her, those images are HAUNTING ME. When you love someone so much, it is so hard to accept that the person could even be capable of such things.I decided to try & forgive her, because I knew that she loved me, I love her, so I tried to write it all off.

She had never had love from anyone in her life, and when I loved her as much as I did it changed her.She became so ashamed (on her own-no prompting from me) of the things she had done,she actually began to become afraid of sex.She would sometimes go weeks or months without it, & when it would happen she treated it as if it were a job.I couldn't understand.I loved her and being with her meant everything- so when she wouldn't want me,I felt she was putting me lower than those things.It hurt.I now know that it was because she was ashamed.She came to me and told me what she felt.

She said it meant the world to her,and she was deeply depressed by her actions. I worked hard to help her with her struggle, setting my own feelings aside. She is now such a loving,always faithful person.Regardless,these images keep HAUNTING me, & it is boiling inside.IT ISN'T any silly performance anxiety.She had never even came to orgasm before me.When it first happened she jumped up, began shaking then she cried.I want so badly to let this go.I c

10 Answers

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I didn't need to read past the very beginning, if you find her past so awful you had no business marrying her. So either get some therapy to get over it, or cut her loose so she can find a person that isn't a judgmental head case. Did you make her ashamed of her past? Who the hell do you think you are? She doesn't owe you some explanation for what happened before you. You sound like a controlling and abusive prick. She should leave you and find a man who ACTUALLY loves her. You claim to, but if you did you would not make her feel bad on purpose to satisfy your own sick insecurities. Get therapy.
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I'm exactly like the person you are. Even though my GF had no past relationship, I was pissed over the fact that she went on an overnight trip with some guys. Then I realized I was being irrational for a few days. In your case, there are only 2 things to do. Either get it out of your head or leave her.

I know how it is for people like you who looked at intimacy as a symbol of love and affection. If u keep wishing every day that what if she was just like you, things would've been so much better. But maybe then you'd find something else.

It's all in the head try to get it out and make sure that you think you're fine and then when u go back. to sleep it doesn't start haunting u again.

If you can't get it out of your head then it's difficult for u to be with her.
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It is easy for ppl to just say let it go or divorce her, but the fact is that you and your wife came from totally different backgrounds, you have strict possibly God-fearing parents, while she grew up in a different environment with not so many rules and guidelines. the fact that she lied is wrong, but if she probably told you the truth you would not have married her. These images should not haunt you because she did not cheat on you with those people neither were you a virgin at the time of your wedding i.e.she was not your first. Therefore both of you had premarital sex with other people means that (if that is wrong in your eyes) then both of you did wrong.

I think you both need to seek the help of a marriage counselor who can really give you the guidance that you seek because you both love each other and want marriage, it just needs a helping hand at this stage
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You have to forgive her that's the only way you can make the marriage work. From what you've said there's no doubt that you both deeply love each other but you need to love her unconditionally because she can not be punished for her past actions for the rest of her life, she was looking for love in all the wrong places she was trying to find what she never had she just went about it the wrong way. If she hasn't already she needs to ask for your forgiveness and apologize for lying, although I understand why she did it, that's still not an excuse. Think about all the good things that have come from the union of the two of you, then give yourself some time to heal, I'm not sure how long ago she told you about her past but time heals all wounds. Try not to dwell on it and put yourself in her shoes for a moment to try to understand what she was going through at that point in her life even talk to her if it will help you to better understand her frame of mind at that time. Don't lose your perspective on this situation, validate what she means to you by forgiving her and when all else fails pray about it and seek some type of counseling to help you along the way. Best wishes to you and your marriage!!!
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The only thing my husband found out about were the names of the men in my life (no details ),before there was an us. He opened the front door and this guy I knew back in jr.High had stopped by to pick up his daughter a year younger than my baby girl,(they are best freinds) thats when he found out who the childs father was, my man's shock lasted about a week and went into hyper driven anger. ( all three of us have suffered thru his mouth and sorry attitude since ).All because this guy beat the crag out of my man when they were in high school. Sometimes knowing isn't for the best.As for the tells I could let out about my man and his past ,(EMEMEM) thats my lil secret. I think it's kinda funny cause my man has got the whole picture in his head completely wrong,and I think his own imagination is his worst enemy...
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Ok..."

I can really understand how you feel. You're upset because your wife "lied" to you about her sexual past. Well, let me make this really clear....ALL WOMEN DO THAT. You seem fairly intelligent (an assumption). Understand women's place in society - they live under pressure from 2 sides. Women are judged, usually harshly, for having and enjoying a sex life before they are married. Men, then, push and prod them to have sex. Once they have it, they are a slut, if they don't they are a prude or a tease. It would suck to be it that position - there really is no win there. They can please no -one, the least of which is themselves.

So, she fell in love with you. With, for all intents and purposes, you sound like an honorable man. You claimed the child she had, you married her, you treated her well. You are probably the man of her dreams. BUT, you also made it clear how you felt about the life she had lead before. SO she was put in a terrible position. Lose the man she loves, by telling him about her past, which by the way, she probably knew would crush you emotionally - or Lie, make you happy, marry you  and live happily ever after. The lie is the better choice - she could not change her past, that is impossible. But, with you - she could change her future, and she did.

So, don't punish yourself for her past. Don't let images of those things haunt you. She is your wife now. She loves you and you love her. Most of all don't punish her for her past, through guilt or manipulation. She's your wife, your princess. You were who and what she wanted when she finally grew up and realized what was important. Just let it go...because, if you don't, you risk losing her. That would be so sad, to push away a woman that loves you, for something that cannot ever be changed and had absolutely no affect on your life.

Good Luck. Hold onto her, having a woman that truely loves you is the greatest thing on this earth. Don't screw it up.
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Like you said, she obviously has a past where she demonstrated some qualities that do not meet you values.  But the most important thing that you said is "She is now such a loving,always faithful person."  While she deceived you about her past, she apparently has changed.  If you like the person that she is now, then that is what matters about going forward.  The old saying is it is best to forgive and forget, and she has changed into a person that you should love and respect, and you need to change by forgetting the past and putting those things that haunt you out of your mind.  You may need some counseling, but if your current relationship is important to you, then you should do whatever it takes to heal and move on.  Best of luck.
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Your wife sounds like me 27yrs ago my 1st ex-husband(he was 19 & I was 23, were only together 7months, when he took off), said I was oversexed & had set me up with him & 2 other guys, to fix me because I wanted it every day & I was too much for him. It backfired on him, I'm sorry but I got into it & enjoyed being wanted & satisfied! 2yrs ago I lost my male best friend due to that incident, he was there but didn't participate. He said he could forgive but couldn't forget. I lost the one person I thought would always be there for me, but he moved on to someone else.  You either forgive & forget if you really truly love her, with extensive couples counseling to get this whole mess resolved or you will both eventually resent & hate each other!  She may have low self-esteem, low self-image, or other issues for what she did a lifetime ago now.   She may have been abused - verbally, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, or physically!  You either forgive & forget or end it, after trying extensive counseling!
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First question, where do you find these women?????

Anyways,

she lied to you because she probably fell in love with your type. The way you described her sexual encounters, it seems to me that you are her first man who doesn't treat her like crap.

She probably saw something in you, she saw a future and didn't want to ruin it by telling you about her past.

Now, I am not saying what she did was right.

What she did was wayyyyyyy way wrong. I don't even want to know the number of her partners.

Here is the thing, why did she decide to come clean to you now???

Why bring it up now?

Either way, you can divorce her over this and its a legit reason for divorce.

She lied to you and deceived you. That's a big one.

If you plan on staying with her, you have to let this go.

If you can't, you know what you need to do.

Again, she lied to you because she didn't want to lose you know what type of a man you are, you probably wouldn't even consider being with someone like that.
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WOW- powerful!  It takes a very special person to be able to handle a situation like yours.  I commend you!  As far as your wife goes, she needs therapy.  She is ashamed of what she did in her past and she lied to you most likely b/c she liked you and wanted you to like her, but without knowing her past.  She is afraid you will leave if you found out.  She really needs to join some group that will give her the self-esteem and confidence she wants so badly as well as helping her along the way!  She has the best support group with her husband.  It might not be a bad idea maybe to have therapy together about this, and maybe it will help you understand the reasons behind "the why" she lied to you. It might not be so bad for you to get a few things off your chest as well.
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