I know there have been many discussions on this issue, but it is a serious issue for me & my marriage, I did not come here to be judged or spark a debate.I am simply seeking someone's honest advice. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, and before I tell this story-know that I DO love her. My wife had a disgusting and meaningless sexual past. Before you begin to judge me for my feelings let me say that I was raised by very loving yet strict parents.
The values that were instilled upon me by my parents were always very important to me,& have done a great deal to form me into the person that I am. I was raised to believe that sex and love were a gift & go hand in hand. In my mind, sexual encounters are for 2 people who truly love each other. I cannot even begin to describe the meaning that it holds for me. It means EVERYTHING. OK, now, before me, my wife had a slew of sexual encounters with anyone that would pay her more than a second of attention. She did whatever they wanted.
She lost her virginity to a man whom she cannot even remember their name.She was 16, he was 30. She did it "just to know what it would feel like".She actually had sex with a few people simply so they would stop asking her.She said she would just lay down, and shut her mind off.She was never in any meaningful relationship.It was all just people who would come over, she gave them what they wanted and then they went home.In some cases, they went home to their wives or girlfriends!!!She even had a child to one of them!She was having sex with a married man, just because he wanted to.She found out that he was married, went over to break it off with him, & had sex with him one more time for no reason at all, and got pregnant.That is so horribly hard for me to accept.When I first met her, I obviously knew she had a child, but she LIED to me, and told me she was engaged to the person,and he coward away and left her all alone.
To me, a child is supposed to be born of love,not disgusting filth!! I actually went back & signed the childs birth certificate and claimed to be the father just so he would never find out.I have always loved & treated him the same, as if he was truly my own.To me, he IS mine.She also lied and told me she had only had 3 relationships, and the same thing happened each time.She said with all 3 she was engaged, & they got scared and left her alone. It just wasn't true. She was never engaged to ANYONE other than me.The number is way higher, and for some of which she cannot even recall their names.
Although I also had 2 relationships prior to her, they were each with someone whom I loved deeply, & in both cases I never had sex with the people until after I had been with them for a long time, & sex only came after I had asked the people to marry me.Both of those relationships were with women who cheated on me, & also lied about their values.After being deeply hurt by both of those women, I had decided that I didn't want to involve myself ever again with a woman who regarded sex in such a manner.When I met my wife, she knew full well how I felt about such things.She loved me, so she decided to LIE to me about her past.It wasn't until later, after I had fallen so deeply in love with her,
gotten married & had a child of her own that I found out about her past.It hurt so bad, I actually collapsed when I found out.She still lied several more times before I finally got all of the truth out of her.To me, my wife is the single most important person in the world. I regarded her so highly I can't even find words to describe.She knew who I was, and the values that I hold & decided to lie to me. Not only did that smash the immense trust I had for her, those images are HAUNTING ME. When you love someone so much, it is so hard to accept that the person could even be capable of such things.I decided to try & forgive her, because I knew that she loved me, I love her, so I tried to write it all off.
She had never had love from anyone in her life, and when I loved her as much as I did it changed her.She became so ashamed (on her own-no prompting from me) of the things she had done,she actually began to become afraid of sex.She would sometimes go weeks or months without it, & when it would happen she treated it as if it were a job.I couldn't understand.I loved her and being with her meant everything- so when she wouldn't want me,I felt she was putting me lower than those things.It hurt.I now know that it was because she was ashamed.She came to me and told me what she felt.
She said it meant the world to her,and she was deeply depressed by her actions. I worked hard to help her with her struggle, setting my own feelings aside. She is now such a loving,always faithful person.Regardless,these images keep HAUNTING me, & it is boiling inside.IT ISN'T any silly performance anxiety.She had never even came to orgasm before me.When it first happened she jumped up, began shaking then she cried.I want so badly to let this go.I c